Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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