My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
