You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
