He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I forget how to act sober
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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