Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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