the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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