Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
