what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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