Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
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At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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