i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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