I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
