Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
