the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
