i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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