im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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