her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i drank out of a bidet.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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