Betty ford says i'm here all night
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
