My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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