Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
