I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
