Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just threw up on my dentist
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
