Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
