I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
