I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
