I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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