Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You took a bar mat shot.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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