So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
