I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
