he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
