Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
