We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
