i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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