Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
