Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
