Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
