Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
