I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
