I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
