When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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