The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I enjoy the company of your penis
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
