Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
