i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
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