Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
