So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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