Hey man sorry I got all grabby
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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