Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
