And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
being pregnant is like rehab
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
