i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
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I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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