She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
