my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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