i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
