Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
