Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
where are my eyebrows?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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