I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
We need to rekindle our bromance
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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