Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
