So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
