My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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