I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize