I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
