Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
