R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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